On happiness and the power of now

“What do you wish for?” I asked a dear friend.

“I want to live in the present, to be here now,” she replied.

“My problem is I live too much in the now!” I blurted out.

“But that’s good. How do you do that? Tell me. Tell me. You always look so radiant, so calm,” she pressed on.

How did I arrive here?  It wasn’t so long ago that I was a member of the “I’ll-be-happy-when” tribe.

But this has been a year when death came harvesting people I know.  Some I have shared many stories, dances and laughter with.  Others I’ve worked closely together with in my previous employments and still others I have met socially on certain occasions.  These were people about or around my age.  In the universe’s natural order of things they would have been young parents or peaking at their careers.

Death came suddenly, robbing them of their lives. Aneurysm, meningitis, pancreatitis, a car accident and a shooting incident… they were all stealth and swift.  I have had these deafening silences where the whole universe stands still after receiving the news one by one, over and over, in a matter of months from each other.  The latest was a week ago.  Somewhere out there are people grieving for and missing a son, a father, a brother, and a friend.

Death came and took my grandmother this year as well.  Living abroad, I hadn’t seen her in two years except on skype. This is a passing away that’s easier to accept.  She was ninety when she died, having truly lived her life and her years.  And while the reality of knowing that I’ll never talk to her again in this physical world sets in, I have never felt her presence nearer to me than now.

But in those moments when I was gripped by anguish, fear and paranoia, my insecurities and indecision rose to the surface. Unhappiness and dissatisfaction engulfed me.  I turned to my husband, a man I continue to learn so much from. He is never flustered, a perennial sunshine all throughout the gloomy days.  There is a reason that the universe brought us together.  At times I resent him for his calm demeanour to the point of accusing him that he is too relaxed that’s probably why I’m the one designated to stress out.

“What would you do if you were in my place?” I asked him.

“It’s a different reality, so you have to alter your reality to adapt to it” was his usual calm reply.

It has been a painful and exhausting journey and one day I just sat down and told myself I am so tired.  I’m weary of being tired, of longing for what I once had, of wishing for what I don’t have and of trying to make everything perfect. I just want to be happy. Countless dips have clouded my vision of taking stock of what I do have now. Those deaths have taught me much.  There is a lot to be thankful for.

Those emotional roller coasters brought me to this place where I am now and made me realize that happiness is not something that we seek for. It is not elusive. It is a conscious decision. And I have decided to be happy.

I do the things I can and I set my affairs in order. I live each day as if it were my last, I hug and kiss my children and tell them I love them everyday.  I lie down next to them and sing them lullabies. I watch their faces in the dark as they drift off to sleep even when all the parenting books I’ve read tell me to leave them while their eyes are still open to teach them independence at their early ages.

I truly strive to be kind and loving to my husband and cook my family healthy meals.  I touch base with my sister and my father who are both far away. I annoy my friends and relatives on Facebook, I write silly comments on their walls, I tell them I miss them and I love them.

I work, I ship, I read, I fight, I jump, I laugh, I dance, I cry.  I am doing the things I promised myself I’d do. Though they may not all be perfect but one by one I am fulfilling my bucket list. And oh yes, my God each and everyday that I breathe I live the dream, I live.

Because this moment, this present, this very day is truly all that we have.