How do you say goodbye?
I read somewhere sometime ago an advice that we should examine our lives in chunks of five years. That we should answer questions like: What have you accomplished in the last five years? Are you any closer to living your dreams or have those dreams become reality? Are you still pining away for the lost love or have you opened your heart to new experiences? What good have you done? Have you spread joy and made others’ lives happier?
So it is that time of year that I sit and reflect on all of the above, and then some more.
Seven years ago, under a canopy of thick foliage in the jungles of Taman Negara in Malaysia, this wonderful Dutch guy who I just met for three months and barely knew asked, “Come with me and we’ll have the greatest adventure of our lives.”
It took me awhile to decide, but five years ago I took the plunge and moved here in The Netherlands.
And what a ride it has been. Two weddings in two countries later, two wonderful little daughters in between, a house we bought and turned into a home, a couple of changes in careers, a start-up, the struggles in a marriage and making up after. And just when everything settled down and finally became familiar and comfortable we’re now changing directions once again. My husband’s expatriation takes us a hundred eighty degrees turn back to Kuala Lumpur where it all began. The adventure goes on.
Some friends and associates are surprised I haven’t officially announced the move. Because I’m having trouble letting go. Because I don’t want to be written off while I’m still here. Because I want to soak up every experience I’ll ever have from this moment onwards and everyday until I take that plane ride. Because I feel at home here and I have friendships and a strong network that I truly treasure. I love living in The Hague and after all, I still have my business here. So while some call it expatriation, I call it an extended holiday. A wishful thought of shuttling between The Hague and Kuala Lumpur.
As I grapple with these changes and try to accept the realities of being a trailing spouse, while I go through the motions of sorting out our stuff, worrying about my children growing up far away from their grandparents whom they adore, vacillating on decisions between renting or selling the house, entrusting the business to someone else in my absence and living in two worlds at the same time – while everyday life goes on and sentences run long without punctuations for such is the state of my mind these days, I scour my memory and search for answers from everything I’ve accumulated all these years.
A friend whose family successfully runs a real estate business once told me, “Never fall in love with your land or your business, no matter how great it is. When the opportunity presents itself, you let go and you sell. Prime properties get developed all the time.”
A stark contrast from how we hold on to places and things, homes and businesses, like children that we’ve painstakingly nurtured and cultivated. How do we let go? And yet, the answer stares right at our faces. Such is the wisdom of the ancient universe as immutable as the laws of life. We give birth and when the time comes, we let go and let our children take flight.
We let go of what we are now to give way to what we can become. To see the world, to understand it better and find love in the eyes of strangers who will eventually become our friends. To close the gap between cultures, to understand and celebrate our differences and to learn how to respect what we don’t necessarily like. To do good. There are a lot of things to be grateful for.
This is not my first departure and I’ve spent half my life running away from people and places before it got too close so I think I should have mastered this art already. I am a changed person now. I am not anxious. I am not even stressed out. I feel assured, I am joyful, I am happy. I am not under any illusion that it’s going to be a smooth ride, but I feel deep in my gut this is going to be a beautiful one.
And still it doesn’t make it any less painful…how do you say goodbye?
Thank you for your kind words. Warm regards.
Some truly excellent posts on this web site, regards for contribution.
Hi Andrea,
Thank you for dropping by. I will send you an e-mail. Thanks, Melinda
Hi Melinda, Jo Parfitt suggested I get in touch. Please drop me an email. Thanks and best wishes, Andrea.
Thank you Vinita. I hope you are going to the Crave Buzz Party on Friday? Then we can talk about it. If not, I’ll send you a message. :)
Thanks Natalie. I will always see you in every family picture that we’ve had recently. It has been my pleasure knowing your delightful and gentle nature. Because of you the world is a more beautiful place for babies, families and for animals as well! :)
Such a lovely post Melinda! Good luck with your new adventure! We really should get on that Sushi lunch plan in the month of December! Let’s plan and make some lovely memories for you to take with you!
Adventures are wonderful, enlightening and fun… and I wish you all well on your next big adventure. I’m still very much in denial that you are leaving but I’m sure our paths will cross many times yet, and I hope for that too! I feel blessed to have met you and your family, Melinda, thank you, and all the best :)
Oh Carolyn, thank you. We had a wonderful exchange last night. The pleasure is all mine as I learned a lot from you and the writing process of your inspiring book, black and (A)broad. And congratulations for selling a lot of copies! We’ll drink to that this Friday. I will miss you all my spelt muffin literary friends.
You did a beautiful job at taking advantage of every available moment in The Hague. I thank you for sitting next to me at the Connecting Women bazaar. You gave me a wonderful gift: a few of your last moments in this country, and I’ll be forever grateful. I’ll cherish that gift. With your writing, you leave a piece of yourself here, a piece that we, your friends, can nurture so that you don’t have to. You will be missed.
Hi Ar’nie, everything is becoming an adventure these days. Let’s make it a date then at Ginny’s, this Thursday? I am going to see you tonight at the Connecting Women’s bazaar right so let’s schedule it then. Wishing you all the best in your next country — wherever that may be. Proost!
Thank you Stephanie for what you wrote and for the book. I am a sponge these days, absorbing every enlightenment thrown my way and books certainly help. I will get the book, specially that you recommend it highly. Thankfully, technology makes it easier for us to stay in touch. I hope to see you and Jo in Kuala Lumpur as speakers in a conference talking about your individual expertise. Consider me an advance organising party for that event! :)
(Thanks Jo for the link!)
Melinda, what a surprise!! I didn’t know you’re leaving till this post! And what a beautiful post it is!! I can almost every sighs, frowns or smiles you’ve had writing this. I never did consider myself an expat wife but only recently, I have to admit I’m one. Very soon, we’re leaving too. God knows exactly when and where to (though I do have my choice) but I welcome the adventure. It IS very hard when you’re an entrepreneur, having to restart in a new country all the time. Sometimes I feel it easier if I had just been a ‘housewife’. Let’s meet again before you say, not Goodbye, but Till we meet again!!
p.s Ginny, I didn’t know you’ve got a cafe so close to where I live in the Valkenboskwartier. I would love to drop by soon!!
A beautiful and touching post Melinda! Jo’s comments are spot on (as usual). I want to stay in touch with you, it’s so easy now with all of the technology. Wishing you a smooth and joyous transition. A book you might like is call Glad No Matter What by SARK. I just got it and am devouring it. She has a fabulous ezine as well. All the best, Stephanie
Hi Ginny,
Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I remember we met at the Hilton during the THIN business cocktails. I hope to stop by at La Buena Vida one of these days and yes, I certainly feel the same about The Hague. What a beautiful place to meet like-minded people. See you soon!
Melinda
Thank you Jo, that is so wonderful. You are always ready with the answers just when I need it — and in the form I love best, a book! You are truly one of the greatest blessings and most inspiring teacher and friend I’ve had the pleasure of knowing here in The Hague. Thank you for sharing this and I’ll get my copy later tonight at the bazaar.
Of course, we’re going to have a party too! :)
Hi Melinda,
I think we have met at one of our mutual female networking events, but regardless, Jo Parfitt shared this beautiful post on FB and I read it. You captured perfectly how I felt last year when leaving San Francisco to migrate to The Hague. My husband is Dutch and he relocated voluntarily more than 10 years ago so we could start our life together in California. 5 years ago we made a decision that in 2009 we would sell our Bay area real estate business, house, etc to allow our (now 10 year old) son to know his Dutch family. After one year here in The Hague, I cannot imagine leaving this splendid place. Six months ago we opened a culinary gift shop & espresso bar on the Fahrenheitstraat and we have fallen in love all over again. We too recognize our life together as an adventure.
Best wishes to you and your family, and if you have a chance before you leave please stop by La Buena Vida Fahrenheitstraat 582 so we can share a coffee and a laugh!! ;0)
Ginny Mees
Melinda, how beautifully written that is, with real emotion. I can even relate to what you say because waaaay back in 1986 my now husband told me that if I did not leave England and move to Dubai I would ‘regret it for the rest of my life’. So I went with heavy heart and have had the best ‘adventure’. 23 years in five countries and more than 15 houses/flats, two kids, now 18 and 19 and some of the best friends (you included). I would not have missed it for the world. But saying goodbye is horrible. You detach long before you pack the first box and then you hang around in a limbo land that ultimately means you cross the street rather than face yet another goodbye embrace. I’ve been there. You’ve been there. But we now stay in touch via the Internet. Now we know we will meet again somewhere, somehow. The world has got smaller and time goes faster. But I am compelled to share the wisdom of Dave Pollock, co-author of Third Culture Kids: Growing up Among Worlds. He recommends that at times like these we build a RAFT – Reconciliation (sort out any issues with people in the current location); Affirmation (Identify and thank the people and places that have become special); Farewells (say goodbyes, take photographs, have a party); Think destination (do your research and manage your expectations about the new location). A great book and I will have copies for sale at the CW bazaar tonight! Love Jo xx